Dealing With Difficult People
Discover 27 simple tips for how to deal with difficult people - those gossips, whiners, know-it-alls, exploders and more. Having a bad relationship with a difficult person can cause all sorts of problems in your life and end up controlling your thoughts and actions. Whether it's dealing with a difficult boss, a difficult colleague or difficult spouse, applying these tips can help take the pain and stress out of the relationship.
By Colleen Kettenhofen
27 Secrets and Strategies You Can Apply Today
"No one can get your goat if they don't know where it's tied up."
Zig Ziglar
1. Listen more effectively. Listening is the number one tool in communication, especially when dealing with difficult people.
2. Step back. Analyse the situation from an outside perspective. When we are less emotionally involved and "cool our jets", the answers come for how to effectively deal with them, whether dealing with a difficult boss, a difficult colleague, or spouse.
3. Ignoring often doesn't work. The tension becomes so thick you can cut it with a knife.
4. Choose your battles. There are times when you have to "let it go". Know when to speak up and when to pick your battles.
5. Criticise in person, praise in public. Never publicly criticise someone as you will look like the bad guy and the difficult person will only become more upset.
6. Respect. Maintain respect for them - even if you disagree or dislike them. At least acknowledge what they say. Think about how you would want to be treated.
7. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
8. Look again. People won't care what you think unless they think you care. At least attempt to see it from their perspective.
9. Expect a lot. Maintain high expectations and standards if you are managing this employee. If you don't do this you will be seen as enabling their unacceptable behaviour.
10. Strive for better communication. Often, it's not that there isn't enough communication, it's that it's bad communication. Work on improving your conflict resolution skills. If you are a manager, consider training everyone in conflict resolution skills. One of the main reasons teams fail is because some of the people on the team don't like each other, or aren't skilled in how to handle conflict effectively.
11. Invest in courses. Communication skills courses and conflict resolution skills courses can improve the part you can control ââ¬â you.
12. Don't lose emotional control. Antagonists and "passive-aggressives" will often try to push your buttons.
13. Avoid their bad moods. Avoid being around difficult people when they're in a bad mood. If they're always in a bad mood, try being around them when they are in a "better" mood!
14. Accept, change or reject. Know that ultimately you only have three choices. 1) Accept the situation knowing it won't change. 2) Attempt to change your relationship with them by changing how you react. 3) If it's really affecting your well being, it may be time to "reject" the situation and move on.
15. No "buts" allowed! Don't follow giving them positive reinforcement with, "But on the other hand..." The word "but" only negates everything positive you just said.
16. Re-position yourself. Non-verbally position yourself at their eye level. For example, if they are sitting when you talk with them, sit. If they are standing, stand. Converse at their level.
17. Want, not need. Avoid the word "need" when possible and use "want" instead. Saying politely and tactfully, "John, I want to have the project in to me by noon so that we'll meet our deadline." "Want" is more assertive as long as it's in the right tone.
18. Avoid an autocratic or sarcastic tone. The Latin root of the word "sarcasm" is "sarco" meaning tearing of the flesh!
19. Tone and body language. In face-to-face communication, words account for only 7% of what people notice and believe about you. Tone is 38% and body language 55%, so a full 93% is tone and body language.
20. Positive reinforcement. Give sincere positive reinforcement when they do something well. Show genuine appreciation. Often difficult people are difficult because they feel unappreciated.
21. Avoid absolutes. Avoid phrases such as, "You always" and "You never". It puts people further on the defensive.
22. Don't take it personally. Often they're difficult because of something going on with them.
23. Watch your mental state. Don't let them drag you down. A little of that can be normal but don't allow it to go on.
24. Don't be controlled. Remember the person who constantly angers you, or constantly intimidates you, controls you.
25. Mutually agree to move on. Agree to disagree. If this isn't possible, at least "move on" in your own mind.
26. Try to understand. Attempt to understand what's driving that difficult behaviour. Get at the root cause, even if you only try to figure it out in your own mind.
27. E + R = 0. Event + Reaction = Outcome. You can't control the event, but you can control the outcome based on how you react or respond. Be careful how you respond. For example, there's the story of the couple who were divorcing. A neighbour said to the wife, "Do you think you'd ever get back together?" She replied saying, "No, because we have said things to each other that are so horrible, that even after apologising they could never be taken back. There's no way we'd get back together."
The moral of the story...be careful what you say. Once those words are out, they're hard to take back.
Colleen Kettenhofen is a motivational keynote speaker & co-author of "The Masters of Success" along with Ken Blanchard and Jack Canfield. She has spoken in six countries across the world. Popular topics she addresses include difficult people, success, presentation skills, leadership, and the work/life balance.
