Hostile strangers

[raindance]

I have some contact with someone in another company in the course of my work - stretching over several years.  Our contact is solely by email.  This person is, disappointingly, rude and hostile to me and,  from emails I've seen exchanged with others, to other people with whom she comes into contact.  

I get the impression that this person is deeply unhappy, possibly depressed and maybe feeling unappreciated and unrewarded professionally.  

In other circumstances, I would probably pick up the phone, but it isn't part of the deal in this situation.  Emailing a "what's wrong/is there anything I can do to help?" sort of email  is an option, but one mustn't go where angels fear to tread.  So, what would you do?  Continue tactfully to say nothing?  Raise it with my manager? Robust communication is one thing; blatant rudeness and aggression are quite another and definitely not attractive.

[gee4]

Rain,

Why don't you try and stop the email communication and pick up the phone.  Sometimes, when people are narked, they reply so in an email.  Whereas I think by phone, people have to be polite and have a certain decorum.

It's just a suggestion.

Also the way in which we request information from people can sometimes come across as demanding even though it's not meant in that way.  Certain individuals are also just more sensitive than others.

You are also right in what you say - maybe they are unhappy in their job, have been overlooked for promotion, or there are problems at home.

If you do want to help I would suggest more communication via phone if it's possible, and leave the emailing for confirmation of what you have discussed by phone.  Very often my colleague and I will call to schedule meetings and then follow it up with a confirmation email etc.

Good luck.

[spitfire78]

To me, rude is rude no matter what the reason.  I understand this person may be unhappy, depressed, and unappreciated.  But that is no reason to make everyone else around you unhappy, depressed, and unappreciated.  

I am a big believer in the philosophy that we are responsible for our own lives.  If he/she is not happy with their life, it is up to them to change it - to the extent they can.  Meanwhile, there is no cause to be rude to others - especially professionally.  He/she will never improve their professional situation by that type of an attitude.

It is difficult to address that type of a situation in an impersonal environment like e-mail.  Anything you say could be interpreted completely differently from the way you meant it.  If you truly feel this person is being unnecessarily rude, perhaps mentioning it to your manager is the way to go.  That leaves it in his/her hands to deal with as he/she sees fit.  You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable every time you need to communicate with this person.

Good luck - let us know what you decide to do and what happens.

[misslynn]

Well said spitfire...

[peaches2160]

People who are depressed, etc., as you explain, do have atendancy to try to bring others down since they don't have the emotional stability to bring themselves up.  It is never correct to be rude.  May want to save a few of the e-mails.  However, first try the nice approach and see what the response is.  If that does not work, you have done your best.  Consult your boss for ideas on how to turn this situation around.  In this way, you are not actually bringing a problem to him/her, but trying to seek input to solve the problem.  Sometimes, they have to intercede.

[geminigirl]

Has she always been rude etc or is it something more recent?  If it's the former then it's almost too late to question it but if the latter, well, yes you could pick up the phone.  People are (usually!) more polite if they have to talk to someone rather than fire off an email which can always be misinterpreted the wrong way if it's slightly iffy.

If she has always been like that, you could drop a quick line back in reply to her latest email that she is bordering on offensive but that's a tough call, I think.