Feeling ignored, frustrated, and "in the way"

[Katie G]

1.  Ignored -- Boss is a nice enough guy, but is overwhelmed with "stuff to do".  And as a result, I can NOT get his attention.  I've tried scheduling meetings - they get bumped or canceled.  I try what everyone else around here does - just stick a head in and start talking (which I personally think is unconscionably RUDE) but I know I don't have his full attention that way either.  I talk AND follow up with emails - they're missed.  ("I didn't see that yet")  I feel like I don't know what's going on most of the time.  Other than being a nasty, unpleasant "Nag Hag", what else can one do?

2.  Frustrated - As you can imagine, the above situation has made for some unfortunate gaffes, miscommunications, etc. etc. in which I am usually the "bad guy".  This is VERY embarrassing for me, not to mention, not the best way to hang on to a job right now.  It's causing frustration on both fronts.  And lately it seems the harder I try, the more things are blowing up in my face (See my post "not a good day" over in Cafe Admin).  I feel like I'm doing everything in the "admin playbook" and nothing is working. 

3.  In the way - The thing is, my current boss didn't "pick" me, he "inherited" me from when my former department was merged with this current department (and my former boss was laid off.)  So we're kind of shoved together and trying to make this work.  But really, how can you adapt ot someone'w work style, when they can't make time to talk to you?

[officepa]

Katie - just wanted to say "YOU COULD BE ME"  !  Thank you for putting into words - a great post.

I cannot believe that what you describe is how I feel each day.  Having said that, I really like the boss I work for but managing him is sooooooo difficult.  He is quite laid back and I think this is the base of the problem.

No major things have gone wrong but there are niggles ALL the time and it is very hard work to make things run smoothly.  I go home so worn out each day.

When I do sit down with him to go over things i do not have his full attention. I needed something doing by 3pm today but despite reminding him each time he popped out of his office, putting a reminder in his diary, emailing him, in other words being a constant nag, it is not going to get done. This will cause a problem but at least I can honestly say, I tried my best but could not get him to do it - and he will know I tried it all. He certainly won't blame me for the fallout this will cause but I will now have to run around to sort it like some made woman and it could all have been easily avoided if he spent 30 mins with me working on something.

I will be very interested to see what others suggest on how to improve this type of working life but just wanted to say I feel for you and what you are going through. Hang on in there - others will have solutions 

[Katie G]

Cathy - again, I thank you.    And I pride myself on keeping my emotions OUT of the workplace, but your post brought a few tears of relief to my eyes.  Just knowing that it's not just me that this is happening to helps.  I mean,  I work in an office of a dozen people but I'm feeling very alone right now.  And it's not because people are nasty or mean.  I can honestly say that everyone is truly lovely here.   I know there are people out there dealing with MUCH worse situations, but I just sometimes wonder "why am I even here?" 

[officepa]

Don't feel along Katie - you have support from like minded people here  - especially me!!

You must not take the way he works with you personally even tho it may feel like it is aimed at you.  Sounds as if he is set in own ways. Perhaps his previous PA/secretary was not much help to him and he does not realise what you could actually do to help him.

I think that the only way to improve how you work with your bossie is to sit down with him and explain calmly - not in a way that may sound as if you are moaning but one that is sympathetic to his situation - that you are here to help him as much as you can, in order to make his office life run smoothly - certainly more smoother than it is now, so he does not miss deadlines, have double bookings etc etc. 

You could say that having worked with him for XXX months now, you can see areas where certain aspects can be improved and have a brief list to discuss with him.  I did start having 15 mins first thing in the morning with my bossie and this did help.  Storing things up is too much for him but quick bursts is enough to keep his attention. This has tailed off for a couple of weeks as he has been away but will start again soon.

Obviously you will have to book time in his diary and only you will know when a good time is likely to be.  Walk in with a cup of coffee or something and sit and explain how you can help him. You need to sound firm but understanding of his 'pressures'.

Can you code emails he needs to read or action with a red flag, for example, so all he has to do is skim his in-box and pick out such messages.  Others can be read as and when. 

Can you take full control over his diary and not let him/others book things in?

He may be overwhelmed with work he has to do but (aren't they all!!) but there comes a point when he has to just sit and calmly read emails/write a document/make calls and not say he has not received it, for example, and not run around like a headless chicken but getting nothing done.

I often joke to mine, I am going to lock him in his office until he has completed XXX - he smiles and gets the message but 6 times out of 10 will get side tracked but at least we both know I have mentioned it.

Communication is so important as you know, keep trying to talk to him and raise urgent/important matters, try to be one step ahead. You can only do your best.

Let us know how things develop?  Good luck.

[Cathy S]

Okay, we all know that when you flag the boss that you need to discuss something that you are doing your job and you are helping him/her ... but ... I recently facilitated a discussion between a line manager and his report (they are both part of the project team I lead, but I have a functional leadership responsibility for the report without being her line manager) where their working relationship had broken down for one very simple reason:

• Report constantly asking Manager for input
• Consequently, Manager feeling as if Report cannot use initiative starts to resent interruption and so makes himself less available.

I suggested that Report put the most urgent items for Manager's attention in a red folder on his chair.  She immediately said "oh I have tried red flags but he ignores me" so I asked what gets flagged and how often - "well everything I want him to help me with and every day". 

Realisation dawned on Managers face - so I repeated the suggestion "Put only the most important and urgent items in a red folder on his chair and he will make a commitment here and now to scan the folder as soon as it appears and agree some time with you during that day when you can discuss.  BUT only put in the items that you absolutely cannot resolve any other way" 

We continued the discussion with an example of where help was requested and as we probed it turned out that help wasn't required because the information was already logged into a database for Report to retrieve ... but because she was so used to asking she didn't look herself.

It has taken about a month for them to find a balance but I haven't had to intervene and their working relationship is back on track.

Lost in Translation

Now I am not presuming that either of you do place too much demand on your boss in reality ... but what is your boss's perception? Do they feel badgered? if so you need to find a way to attract their attention and input with a different behaviour from yourself.

Cathy your advice is good, calmly and assertively (lots of "I feel that" and no "you always do") explaining that you need some input to be able to truly support Boss is a good step.  First though, work out some of your behaviours and test out what gets attention or gets ignored so you can suggest different communication styles that could work for you both (ie don't take in the problem go armed with solutions - even though they may not be aware a solution is needed).

The tricky bit is getting attention for long enough to get the message across.  Katie, I too find the head round door and launch into talk extremely rude ... but remember you are trying to get your boss' attention not the other way round - so if it does work for the boss it stops being rude?  Although in your case you say you don't get his attention - maybe your body language tells him that you are uncomfortable getting his attention that way?

Thinking Styles

One way in is to understand how Boss thinks - I think in pictures, some people think in words, or sounds ... what is your Boss' background? then find someone from the same background eg engineers all tend to have similar thinking styles, as do financiers, as do professional drivers ... then adapt your communication so for example if your Boss thinks in pictures he will respond positively to a chart or graph so find a point to make using such an image and you will spark his interest - say you were responsible for taking customer complaints - saying "Boss something must be done about manufacturing because complaints have gone up" will result in a vague noise but show him a graph of the forecast effect on revenue because complaints have gone up and he will be down on the factory floor demanding action.

The Benefits

Now this might all sound like hard work and some might ask why is it up to you to address it in the first place? How miserable are you, how miserable are you prepared to be? How much energy are you losing because your self -esteem is dented?

You owe it to only one person to be happy in your workplace - YOU - and then your self esteem will pick back up too.

By the way, do remember it takes 4 weeks on average for something to become a habit so don't give up the first time it doesn't work.  Let us know how things go ...

Cathy

[gee4]

Katie,

You have already established you are not alone in this and believe me I have been there in the past.  I am going to dig out some postings and threads of mine which may help, so you can read at your leisure.

What I would say is, bear in mind not all managers want to be managed nor think they need to be managed.  I moved departments last November and my previous boss no longer has a secretary due to a company reshuffle.  He actually didn't miss me until I moved on and it was only then that he realised how much I did for him.

It's a learning curve believe me and one that may take some time to change.

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=9672.0

[gee4]

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8631.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8413.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=7849.0

[gee4]

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8472.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8580.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8039.0

[gee4]

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=3417.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=4820.0

[gee4]

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=9395.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=10297.0

http://www.deskdemon.com/dnet/index.php?topic=8459.0

Katie, hope some of these will help.  Not all are my postings, but myself and others have contributed.

[officepa]

Gee - not tired? posting at gone 11pm!!  I only know as I too was on there gone 11pm.....

Katie - Cathy S has, as always, very good in depth advice which I am certain will help you.

I am not sure in Katie's situation it is a case of badgering her boss too much from what katie posts but just trying to get his attention to start with.

Yes, i agree, do not 'red flag' everything, only items that are time critical and only he can deal with.  There are times when I actually remove emails from my boss' box and move to mine for me to answer so he does not even get tangled up with those.

Early morning quick 10/15 minutes catch ups for me are now just so we can 'touch base' on what is happening in his world and he on what I am doing - not the day to day things but anything he may have asked me to look into so I can update him.

Certainly if you are as a PA are popping into his office every 5 minutes this is not a good working practice but when you can sort out a system of how you can work together you will feel more in control.   

Yes, you must understand your boss. Almost get into his mind.  How does he like to work and go with it - adapt your working style to his.  But at the end of the day, I feel you need to start this process off by making an initial meeting to go over this - ask him, how would he prefer you to work with him. Get good communication going - I am sure things will develop in a positive way.

[gee4]

Didn't realise it was so late. 

It's a subject I feel strongly about mainly because some PAs are not used as fully as they could be, yet we are hired to do a job.  It is also something I have experienced myself and have managed, I hope, to smooth out over the years.

[officepa]

How are things going Katie at the start of this new week?

Let us know how you are getting on 

[Katie G]

Hi all

Was under the weather for a few days last week and when I made it back had MUCH to get through, so I wasn't able to check the boards. 

To all of you, thanks for your thoughtful responses.  You all have given me a LOT to think about this week while Bossie is on vacation.  I'm hoping to use this time to come up with a "plan" to present to him when he returns.  I'm also looking forward to a few days off shortly -- I may well need a few days away from here (but not sick!) to clear my head.

As always - this board is a fabulous resource and I thank you all for your help

KG

[officepa]

Katie - how are things now for you? Did you manage to have a chat with bossie and present your plan - I mihgt be able to copy some of your ideas  ?

Hopefully things are a little better for you - would be interested to know.
Cathy