Perception vs. Reality

[npsadmin]

I was recently pulled into my bosses office for a discussion on the perception others in the office have of me, my work, and my relationship with other admins in the company.  He went into this "discussion" knowing most of the things he was sharing were not even close to the truth, but he is insisting we have to work with the perception, since "perception IS reality."  (No telling anyone to get a reality check!)  There are a few things I can change, and don't mind doing so,  but overall I am just really frustrated.  

Has anyone else had to deal with this issue?  What did you do?  Any good resources on the topic?

Thanks for your input!

LL

[gee4]

Sounds like they were negative comments - am I right?  This can be very shocking especially if you are not aware of something you are doing that is being perceived in such a way that other colleagues have to complain about it.

I would say I have experienced a little of this but I would emphasise that at the time the company I was working for was undergoing change.  My boss left and he was replaced internally by someone who didn't need me, never communicated to me or gave me any work to do.  Needless to say I was not motivated and ended up hating the environment I found myself in.

Are you happy in your job?  Do you like the company you are working for?  How is your relationship with you boss and your colleagues?  It is probably for the best that the issues in question have been addressed, but now you must take stock and step back from the situation to access how you can move forward.

G

[geminigirl]

I had a taste of this about 15 or so years ago, when I was working as a secretary alongside a much older woman.  If one of the chaps we were working for (we worked for a number of architects) came up and asked a question, I would just go ahead and answer it straight away.  I *may* have answered the question once or twice (!) when it wasn't directly addressed to me and she didn't like it.  In hindsight, I think she saw this as a threat from a much younger woman.  Her attitude to me went rapidly downhill and I had no clue what was causing it so eventually asked her straight out if I'd offended her, and that's when she told me.  I addressed the problem immediately and "spoke only when spoken to" - biting my tongue several times.

It got so bad, even after that, that I took it up with the Head Secretary.  Her response was that X had been here that much longer than me that if the problem wasn't resolved (even though I thought then that it had been) I would be the one that had to leave.

It was very uncomfortable for a while.

It's a very hard situation that you're finding yourself in, you have my sympathies.  It's never nice to be criticised, however nicely or "constructive" the "discussion" is.  I can't point you in any direction but I'm sure that other DDers will be able to.

Gee's questions were on the nail, though - do you like your job?  Are you happy there?

Stay positive and let us know how you get on.

[raindance]

I think your boss was being quite kind to you.  He seems to have received a few "complaints" from people about you, and has decided to have an informal chat with you rather than a full-blown disciplinary meeting.  

The image we portray to others, particularly at work, is very important.  That image is expressed through our punctuality, our demeanour, speech, dress,  the way we speak on the phone, the way we make demands on our colleagues' time and expertise, the respectful and courteous way we treat others.   It all goes towards being professional.  It isn't about being "nice" to people - sometimes one can be too "nice".  Other people generally want to have people around them who are capable and competent,  pleasant, fun, have integrity and are straightforward.  

You might wish to look at books by Judi James (search for her books on Amazon).  She is a very good writer on work-related issues.

I once had an unfortunate experience, similar to yours, when I was first starting out in my professional career.  My boss at the time asked me, very gently, whether I enjoyed my job.  I remember being quite affronted, but afterwards reflected on the conversation we had had, and decided that I wanted to move on.  Looking back, I realize that I was in COMPLETELY the wrong job, and that my boss had done me a very great service.  I have never looked back, so to speak.  Although there have been some ups and downs since then, my career has prospered.  

So, I would advise you to:

Reflect carefully on what your boss has said to you
See what areas you can improve immediately and what you can improve in the longer term
Ask yourself whether you want to stay in this job and why, or whether there is something else you would rather do
Make sure you have a good work/life balance, and plenty of hobbies and outside-of-work interests
Maybe take some courses at your local college to add to your professional knowledge or develop an interest

and last, but not least, be nice to yourself.  

Best wishes,

Raindance

[spitfire78]

gemini, I am working with someone who does that very thing and I find it exceedingly annoying.  It is not a question of age, she is about 5 years older than I.  If someone asks a question to either of the other 2 secretaries in the office, this one runs right over us with her response.  And sometimes her answer isn't even right!  I have had to grit my teeth numerous times to keep from shouting - shut up - he's not talking to you!!!!!!

Our supervisor recently mentioned to me that this secretary is aware that she does this.  Now, let's see whether or not she changes!

The problem with that type of behavior is that makes the person who has been shoved aside feel insignificant. It's as if the person is saying "look at me, talk to me, I'm the only one who knows anything".  

More than likely, she doesn't mean that, any more than you did.  But that is certainly how it makes me feel, so I can understand where your colleague was coming from.  And I guess if you add in the age factor in your case, she probably really resented you.  

Well I'm glad you got out of that uncomfortable situation.  Now, let's hope my colleague does something about it before I smash her in the mouth

[gee4]

Spitfire I read that with interest and then nearly choked at the last sentence - hilarious!!!

G

[diamondlady]

Well we've been going through some personality sessions here at our office company wide and those folks are the Achievers.  They feel that they are the only ones that know what to do and always have the answer, whether it is correct or not, and believe me there is always one of those in every office.  We're fortunate enough to only have a few of those strictly in that category and a few like me who are the mediators more than not.  So, it's a good mix, but when you have an extreme in the building it's definetly noticed, however, it should not be accepted when they over step their bounds.  We've had that happen numerous times, but you do have to call them on it and explain the situation, otherwise no one will think the wiser.

Just my .02 cents on this issue.  Very interesting reading.

Diamondlady
Peer Moderator

[dettu]

I'm going to disagree with raindance just this once. My old bossie did this to me--and had a member of HR present as a surprise. He tore apart every aspect of every interaction I had with co-workers, including those with whom I had friendly/informal relationships outside the office. He had obviously misunderstood a lot of what he'd heard, but I was not going to try to correct him under the circumstances, as there were two of them and only one of me. He had a huge stack of notes he'd taken on my "behavior."

What I realized was that this was NOT the job for me, that he was just too incredibly two-faced for me to continue doing my best work for him. I was not able to leave at the time; I had to stay and it was AWFUL. To survive there, I attempted to be as droid-like as possible. I made sure never to frown, never to discuss ANYTHING that wasn't specifically related to work, and to give a huge, toothy grin with everything I said to any person.

He was unable to find fault with this except he remarked several times, "You seem withdrawn," to which I didn't respond at all. How should a person SEEM when she knows every move she makes is watched and recorded? I do mean everything--he had notes on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Eventually, work and home life situations changed just enough that I could move to this new job. Here I am the same person I was before ex-bossie's meeting, except that I do smile more--genuinely, because people here truly appreciate my work. I am the same professional person I was before, it's just that here, that's welcomed and encouraged.

My advice is: look at the situation; is this really where you want to stay?

[Katie G]

Warning:  This is a sore point with me.

"He went into this 'discussion' knowing most of the things he was sharing were not even close to the truth..."  Shame on him, then.  What is this, 7th grade?  Why not just pass around a slam book?

"...but he is insisting we have to work with the perception, since 'perception IS reality.'"  A lame excuse for your boss not setting the record straight when it was brought up, if you ask me.

I've worked in finance and IT.  Two areas where the "perception is reality" mindset has been responsible for more unqualified people being put in positions they have no business being in, and equally responsible for good, smart, hardworking folks who know their stuff getting railroaded when "reality" didn't match up with someone's preconceived "perception."  I've seen it happen -- too many times.

Rant over.  From a practical standpoint, I think you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.  Not knowing the specifics of your job, I can't be more specific than that.  Maybe it's saving any and all emails and voicemails, maybe it's getting your supervisor's sign-off on everything, whatever.  But the fact is, this may blow over, especially if the "perception" can be concretely refuted with "fact"  My guess is that there's probably very little fact in any of these complaints.

[npsadmin]

Thanks for all the replies.

To answer the obvious questions:  I love my job.  I love the company I work for.  I have been here just over 2 years and was recently promoted to a higher level - same job, more money.  Benefits are second to none.  And for the most part, I have a really good boss.  There are several occassions in my present position and in past positions that I could have changed jobs and I did a lot of soul searching to make sure this is where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.  Job satisfaction is not the issue.

My frustration is in the fact that: 1) He couldn't give me anything concrete to go on, nor did he have any suggestions for changes that should be made; and 2) Why am I responsible for changing my behavior to meet other's perceptions when their perception is just plain wrong?  Why can't I tell someone it really isn't raining outside when they insist that it is?

It is one thing to present issues and let people know about problems.  It is quite another thing to humor other employee's grumblings and complaints by passing them along instead of setting the record straight then and there.  He did not suggest to the complainers that they needed to come to me if they had a problem with me or my work, nor did he stick up for me and my work, which is consistently above reproach.

I am all for solving problems and moving forward, and I am happy to take responsibility for my mistakes, and do on a daily basis. I have been an Admin for a long time.  I know I have to adjust my work style to fit those that I support.  But this issue seems to go beyond that.  

Lessons Learned:  I cannot "vent" to anyone within the company.  Everything goes back to my boss and the other Admin in our dept., who promptly whines and complains to everyone else in the dept.

I like the idea of documenting everything.  That, along with not talking to anyone in the department about anything other than business, and even then keeping it incredibly professional, will be two new practices.  

Any other thoughts on dealing with perceptions vs. reality are welcome.  It is always good to get input from those who have "been there and done that."

LL

[dettu]

LL, another thing I did when I started this new position was to decorate everything in my cube in pink. Pink pencil cup, pink picture frames, pink post-its, pink bowl for paper clips, pink coffee cup. I like pink but I don't really LIVE pink like this at home...but I bought two pink sweaters and a pink shirt too. I read somewhere that the color pink makes people view the pink thing (or the thing/person surrounded by pinkness) as soft and approachable. I wanted to be sure they thought I was approachable and warm. Of course, all my pink things are professional, not cute.

It worked. A friend from my old department visited me after I'd been here a while and commented, "You know, you've really changed!" I hadn't changed an iota, I'm serious. It was just the pink decor--it made me LOOK different.

[npsadmin]

What a great idea!!!  

I did a very brief survey with my family after reading your post - they volunteered Pink as being the most approachable color.   I am shopping this weekend for all things pink!!!  It makes sense, but I wouldn't have thought of it.  

THANK YOU!!!

LL

[ozbound]

Yes I've dealt with this issue. I think it has a lot to do with people who can't deal with different personalities and workstyles and do not want to try. For example, in a previous position I was told that I come across as "not caring" about mistakes I made and about doing my job well, or not being assertive enough about getting needed information from people. That couldn't have been farther from the truth, and my supervisor new it, but that was the "perception" one or more of the bosses had. I don't know what more I could have done--I mean, I apologized for any mistakes and did my best, so did they want me to get really upset or something? Did they want me to hound people every 10 minutes to get information I needed? I don't know. That company just seemed to be more into appearances than the people behind them. I guess that's a sore point for me, as well.

All I have to say is do the best you can, and while of course you want to work on having a positive, pleasant, professional demeanor, there is only so much you can do. Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

[ozbound]

Heh heh, that's funny; it reminds me of a discussion we had in our office the other day--while pink might work well for women, guys tend to have a different take. We have two shipper printers in our office, one stocked with white paper and one with pink. When the white one ran out, we discussed printing on teh pink, and were told that most of the drivers refuse to go out with pink paperwork! I wondered aloud, if money were printed on pink paper, would they refuse to use that too?

[gee4]

Just on another note to this "pink" theme, when we get deliveries to the office usually I will sign for them.  The invoices from the catering company we order sandwiches from are white, which is the copy I sign - the copy they take back with them is pink!!  Also our stationery company is the same - I sign the yellow copy and they take back the pink one - so is there def something about pink then??

G