Week of June 28th-Tears in the workplace.

[andream]

(editor's note:  Sorry guys for the lateness of this week's topic it's been a looong week and it's only tuesday! Now on to the issues...)

Have you ever cried in the workplace about work?  (we're taking catastrophic personal stuff out of this mix and concentrating only on work related crying )Do you think that tears in the workplace are acceptable and if so in what circumstances? If you have cried, what has been the impact on your colleagues? Was there residual feedback that resulted due to the waterworks?

If you think crying should never ever happen in the workplace,, why?

do tell...Andrea

[gee4]

Answer: yes but I won't go into details.  Sometimes when something happens in your personal life, work is the only place you can let go.

G

[uberpa]

Andrea,

I've cried twice in the workplace in my working life (about 16yrs) 1-Alone with my boss because he was acusing me of something that I did not do and the frustration and helplessness really got to me. 2-At a work function after hours and dinner a colleague got very drunk I mean seriously drunk and was being very abusive and physical with everyone and the leaders wouldn't make him go to his hotel room or even try to remove him from the restaurant/bar and after a few hours I was pleading with them, no begging them to do something about him and finally errupted in tears which got them to act. I didn't do it on purpose but it had the desired effect.

I would say I am a very emotional person but I try to control myself with regards to anger and tears in the workplace because it will make others very uncomfortable and I think especially in a corporate environment it's seen as a sign of weakness and as a Woman it's still hard enough to get ahead as it is without looking like an "emotional female" if you want to be take seriously.  It's unfortunate but true.

Otherwise I am quite proud of my ability to have my emotions, deal with them and move on rather then repressing them but I think at work it's important to maintain that air of cool professionialism as much as possible.

[catsmeat]

I think the only time I ever cried about work was after I'd been shunted from one role to another without any consultation at all.  My line manager's post was vacant, although I still worked for a lot of other people.  I was taken from that side of the business altogether and passed to work for someone else.  My supervisor kept trying to make it sound good "All the sales office fancy Martin (new boss) .... you'll have Mary working underneath you (Mary being the most uncooperative, ill-mannered individual going) ...." - real straw-clutching.  After a sleepless night going over all the issues, I was called in to see one of the Directors who "understood I wasn't happy with the situation".  Whilst I wasn't happy with the situation, I could see what had to be done, and accepted that.  It was the way in which the changes were communicated to me, and painted as something wonderful, which got to me, and here was my supervisor blatantly misrepresenting what I'd said.  I burst into tears in front of the big cheese, and quite frankly didn't care.  I was already mentally replanning my CV.  I'd been pondering leaving for a while and as far as I was concerned, this was as good a reason as any to get the hell out.  As luck would have it, there were changes higher up very soon after and bingo! - suddenly I got slotted back into my old job, much to my delight and that of the guys I worked with.  

Other than that .... I had a couple of outbursts many moons ago when my father was pretty much dying by the day, but the situation was known and accepted.

[chris68]

I have once and it was a very bad situation that I took personally (this was not done in front of my boss, but later in the HR department) and it wasn't meant towards me it was just frustration from my boss and was aimed at me, if that makes sense.  Nothing I did wrong just bossie venting and I took it very personal as I'm not accustomed to any kind of yellings or even guilt trips for that matter.  Beleive me since my MIL has moved in with me those guilt feelings are felt more and more and I'm learning to deal with them the best way I know how and I think in some strange way its helping me in my worklife too.  Sound strange?  Maybe, but I'm more accustomed to it and can handle it better at least I hope.

Chris68
Peer Moderator

[uberpa]

To add to my earlier post (see my post in Admin also) I might actually cry some time this week if things don't change around here.  I like my boss but the treatment we've been getting over our moving issues is really getting to me.

[newtofl]

Yes I have cried at the work place a couple of times but for the most part, have always kept my emotions to myself.  In fact, my current boss tells me that I always act very professional no matter what the circumstances.  

It was about 5 or 6 years ago and my husband, who is bi-polar was having a very manic episode (before he was actually diagnosed) and wound up coming to my office making a scene.  I was so embarrassed by the situation, that I started to cry, told my boss I was leaving and left for the day.  I was so lucky that I did not lose my job at the time.

[sobriquetnic]

I have cried once due to a colleague, not a close one, shouting at me in front of other people, just because I mentioned to our receptionist that he might be able to move something for her!  He was most abusive and I just didn't know what to do.  He apologised quite soon after, but not before most of the other staff had stopped talking to him!  

I have cried on personal reasons a few times, once in front of our company secretary as my mother was unwell and my workload was making things really difficult and then again in front of my now boss when my marriage was breaking down.  

I know they say you shouldn't bring your personal life to work - but you spend so much time there, it's just unavoidable!

All the best,
Nicola.

[laurafmcdermott]

I have never cried at work due to a work situation.  Personal situations I take a break to the ladies room and have my cry, but not in front of anyone.

I was laid off from my job several years ago.  My supervisor burst into tears as she was going over my severance package.  I remained professional the entire time that she sobbed, until she finally realized that I was not going to do the same and regained her composure.

In that job, I had to fire people who had falsified their applications and were let go during their first few weeks of work.  Several of them cried and I found it extremely difficult to deal with, not being a crier myself.  What do you say to someone in that position?  There's certainly no way I could make it better for them, other than making it as quick as possible.

I have always felt the need to be completely professional at all times to justify myself.  I look much younger than my age, and I get a lot of flack/backlash for that.  I think to compensate for this, I dress professionally just about every day, I look people directly in the eye, and I try not to show emotion, whether it be tears, frustrations, anger, whatever.  Maybe I'm making myself out to be cold-hearted?

[supergirl]

I have cried in the ladies room a few times, when one of my cats was dying.  I have never cried over professional issues, but I felt like it recently when, in a meeting that was very important (in my opinion), two of the other parties got up and began a) unpacking her desk and b) preparing to leave the room.  It wasn't my meeting, but I knew their behavior signaled an unwillingness to take responsibility for something that would then, inevitably, fall to me.  Turns out that I was also coming down with a virus, which may be why I felt so weak and despairing!  

I try to keep my emotions in check at work, because I have seen the reaction of others when someone cries or whatever.

Supergirl

[uberpa]

laura, I don't know if you know about meyers-briggs or if you do believe in it.  I do.  It sounds like the people you mentioned probably had F in their personality ie they are emotional which means their reactions are closer to the surface.  I often find that T, people who are less outwardly emotionally reactive, sometimes don't know what to  do when faced with a crier or someone having an emotional outburst.  The answer is you really don't have to do anything.  Someone who is an F is quite acustomed to having emotional reactions and then getting over it (well they are at least used to having the reaction getting over it is something else all together) but it doesn't really require someone to do anything.  At least that is how I feel about myself as an F.

I might cry because my emotions are very close to the surface and in my world you let your emotions out.  However, I don't need other people around me to say or do anything except let me have my emotions and deal with it.  Yes a hug or some kind words are nice and can be comforting but not always needed.  Actually no reaction from others helps me get over my outburst that much quicker instead of indulging in it.

I'm really saying this to relieve you of any guilt or anxiety over not knowing what to do in that situation.  Yes some people might see it as cold hearted but when it's business related it's probably best not to get too involved when you have to handle a stressful situation.

[laurafmcdermott]

You may be right, I am in fact a T in my Myers-Briggs.  Hmmmm, interesting....

[gee4]

Ok ok - I need to know what is Myers-Briggs.

G

[uberpa]

Gee it's personality typing. That sounds very restrictive but it isn't.    It's really a way of better understanding why and how you are different from others.   The basic principal is  that there  are 8 personality factors and each of us tends to use  a  certain combination  of 4 of them.  For instance I am an INFP which stands  for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver.  But don't be fooled by the words  because they don't mean exactly what you might think for instance someone who has J for Judger doesn't mean they are Judgemental.  There are  simple tests you  can take to determine your personality type.

You can look up Meyers-Briggs on the web and also find the the Book "Please  Understand Me 2".

I find  it usefull when  trying to deal with people at work because  I sometimes I  can see immediately the different factors in their personality.  Now  it doesn't mean it makes it easier to communicate  with  them especially if they are a complete opposite of me but at least I have a slightly better appreciation of where they are coming from or why they react the way they do.

If anything I find it most usefull for unstanding and accepting myself especially as F, I've been able to get a handle on my turmoil of emotions always bubbling  under the surface and instead of feeling like an alien all  the time for being more emotionally reactive then people around me I can work with myself and deal with  my  emotions when  I have them.  If that makes sense

[gee4]

Thanks Uber - will do that!

G