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Author Topic: Ten Guaranteed Genuine Groaners  (Read 1441 times)
radaro
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« on: February 14, 2001, 05:27:09 pm »

1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and  his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

 2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."



 3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.



4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"



  5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"



6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."



7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."



8)  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."



9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest.  He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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hupawoman
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2001, 06:08:41 pm »

Good humor but.....



The term "squaw" is a derogatory remark towards native american women and is very offensive to many.  



Just an fyi!
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bethanial
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2001, 08:39:21 am »

okay, that one took me a minute -- for anybody else out there -- the square of the hypoteneous is equal to the sums of the squares of the other two sides. -- the whole A^2 + B^2 = C^2 bit -- Pythagorean's Theorem
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radaro
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2001, 10:07:07 am »

I have heard that too.  In fact, in BC they are planning to change the name of several landmarks (i.e. Squaw Mountain) to less offensive names.  BUT on the other hand, I have also heard that the word "squaw" actually means "woman" in some native languages and they do not find the word offensive.  Since I do not speak any native languages I cannot argue one way or another.



Sorry if I have offended anyone but, as Bethanial points out, it is a pun of Pythagorean's Theorem (grade 8 math anyone?)
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bethalize
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2001, 10:36:29 am »

Tricky, isn't it? Wathc out you don't step in the culture gap!



The one word that I really hate and I don't feel able to make a fuss about is 'lady'. This may be more pronounced here in the UK, but 'lady' carries so many implications with it.

Ladies don't swear.

Ladies are always impeccable.

Ladies are always polite, no matter what the provocation.

Ladies don't get drunk.

Ladies always watch what they eat

Ladies don't have sex until they are married

Ladies are decorous at all times

Ladies aren't as capable as men at brainwork.

Ladies aren't interested in making money.

And so on and on and on. Yet despite all these social constraints, some people think it is a positive pleasure to be called a lady.

What words cause problems for you?
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djpcps
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« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2001, 11:30:14 am »

It's also still true in the Southern U.S. - to be a "lady" is to have no fun at all!



In addition to your list, Southern ladies are taught:



If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.



Never lie, but if the truth is hurtful, be vague.



One of the worst things is that we live in a sub-tropical climate - but ladies never sweat!  

 
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deedeeb
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« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2001, 04:09:03 pm »

OK I think I can add to these - if not top them!



One morning Farmer Jones was milking his cow, Bessie.  He noticed a fly buzzing around Bessie's head pestering her, then - zip!  The fly buzzed right into Bessie's ear!  A minute later, Farmer Jones noticed a fly floating in the milk pail.  This just goes to prove, "in one ear, out the udder."



(I didn't say it was any good!)
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Smith
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2019, 12:26:27 pm »

Who can pick out for me the best product from the list provided in this site?
https://buylatestwatch.com/best-watches-for-office-wear/
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