Title: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: twhfan on June 13, 2003, 04:38:22 pm
I’m sure many of you have faced a similar problem, but it’s the first time for me. I share an office with one other admin. She is a very nice person, but is a talker – lately it’s gotten worse. I do my best to keep working while she goes on and on, giving me a play-by-play of her life and the latest gossip around the office. I essentially zone her out and just nod occasionally, without talking much.
Yesterday I had my performance evaluation. I got good marks in everything as usual, but then my boss mentioned the non-stop chatter coming from my office. She expressed concern that all this time spent talking is eating away at my day. She did say that she never hears me talking, so she knows I’m not the chatterbox. She asked me what could be done about all the talking, then sat there expectantly waiting for my answer.
I felt so upset and uncomfortable (I think I still looked cool and collected on the outside). I’ve never had anything like this come up in an evaluation. I assured her that I continue to work during the talking and that I rarely contribute to the conversation. She agreed with me. Then I told her that I would speak to the other admin about the problem to resolve it. Bossie was satisfied with that answer. At our office, it is expected that we help to solve our own problems and only involve management as a last resort. And if you do have to involve management, you’re seen as a bit of a failure.
Anyways, I know what I have to do, but I am dreading it so much. This person cries often, takes things personally and gets upset very easily. I find it hard to deal with tears. It is also imperative that I maintain a good relationship with her because we and our bosses work together so often.
Can anyone give me advice on how to approach the topic or how you’ve dealt with a similar situation?
Yesterday I had my performance evaluation. I got good marks in everything as usual, but then my boss mentioned the non-stop chatter coming from my office. She expressed concern that all this time spent talking is eating away at my day. She did say that she never hears me talking, so she knows I’m not the chatterbox. She asked me what could be done about all the talking, then sat there expectantly waiting for my answer.
I felt so upset and uncomfortable (I think I still looked cool and collected on the outside). I’ve never had anything like this come up in an evaluation. I assured her that I continue to work during the talking and that I rarely contribute to the conversation. She agreed with me. Then I told her that I would speak to the other admin about the problem to resolve it. Bossie was satisfied with that answer. At our office, it is expected that we help to solve our own problems and only involve management as a last resort. And if you do have to involve management, you’re seen as a bit of a failure.
Anyways, I know what I have to do, but I am dreading it so much. This person cries often, takes things personally and gets upset very easily. I find it hard to deal with tears. It is also imperative that I maintain a good relationship with her because we and our bosses work together so often.
Can anyone give me advice on how to approach the topic or how you’ve dealt with a similar situation?
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: mathwhizchick on June 13, 2003, 04:44:01 pm
Hmmm, I always thought that was handled via the supervisors, i.e., your coworker's supervisor should handle her excessive talking. You can suggest that your coworker is a bit too chatty (and I don't have any help for you in how to approach that--sorry), but, coming from you, it is just that--a suggestion. If she chooses not to take it, then YOU aren't a failure; your coworker is not being a team player (at the very least....)
I eagerly await tips from my more learned and experienced colleagues in this area....
:-/
I eagerly await tips from my more learned and experienced colleagues in this area....
:-/
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: bethalize on June 13, 2003, 04:51:38 pm
I can't see how you can completely eliminate the risk of making up cry, sulk or some other form of (IMHO) unwarrented and unprofessional display of emotion. So how can we minimize it?
Whatever you decide to do, you must stand firm. People generally get over perceived slights, especially when you act as though nothing has happened and continue to be friendly.
I would suggest being frank with your co-worker and say that although you enjoy hearing her talk (okay, not COMPLETELY honest) but you find it difficult to concentrate and listen to her and you need to apply yourself to your work, so if you could save the personal chat for coffee breaks it would be a big help at the moment.
This person sounds either like she really needs someone to listen ( call the Samaritans) or just completely unaware. Don't give into the blackmail of tears. If she takes massive offence at this, the worse case scenario I can think of is that she - ahem! - stops talking to you!
Bethalize
Peer Moderator
Whatever you decide to do, you must stand firm. People generally get over perceived slights, especially when you act as though nothing has happened and continue to be friendly.
I would suggest being frank with your co-worker and say that although you enjoy hearing her talk (okay, not COMPLETELY honest) but you find it difficult to concentrate and listen to her and you need to apply yourself to your work, so if you could save the personal chat for coffee breaks it would be a big help at the moment.
This person sounds either like she really needs someone to listen ( call the Samaritans) or just completely unaware. Don't give into the blackmail of tears. If she takes massive offence at this, the worse case scenario I can think of is that she - ahem! - stops talking to you!
Bethalize
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: Jackie G on June 13, 2003, 04:52:33 pm
I agree, her supervisor should say something to her - if your boss has noticed, surely her boss has too! And if her boss hasn't, then your boss should say something to her boss!
After all, there's only so many times you can say to her 'I really need to concentrate on this, sorry I can't chat just now...'
If she was thick skinned, which you say she's not, you could try being straight with her and just saying 'look, at my appraisal, my boss said she was worried that I wasn't getting through my work sufficiently because you natter to me all day'
I agree you need to keep the peace in terms of getting on - not just because your bosses work closely, but because you share an office. Life would be unbearable if you fell out - believe me, I know, I've been there and it's not nice.
I don't think you'd be a failure to have the bosses deal with this one. It's not really your place to deal with it and you should say so to your boss. Could you go to this girl's boss and say something to him/her instead? Is she due a performance evaluation soon? Or does she always get a good one too so that she doesn't cry or take it personally if something is picked on?!
Well done on your performance evaluation - and do keep us posted on what happens!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
After all, there's only so many times you can say to her 'I really need to concentrate on this, sorry I can't chat just now...'
If she was thick skinned, which you say she's not, you could try being straight with her and just saying 'look, at my appraisal, my boss said she was worried that I wasn't getting through my work sufficiently because you natter to me all day'
I agree you need to keep the peace in terms of getting on - not just because your bosses work closely, but because you share an office. Life would be unbearable if you fell out - believe me, I know, I've been there and it's not nice.
I don't think you'd be a failure to have the bosses deal with this one. It's not really your place to deal with it and you should say so to your boss. Could you go to this girl's boss and say something to him/her instead? Is she due a performance evaluation soon? Or does she always get a good one too so that she doesn't cry or take it personally if something is picked on?!
Well done on your performance evaluation - and do keep us posted on what happens!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: bethalize on June 13, 2003, 04:57:52 pm
She doesn't sound so much thin-skinned as a drama queen.
I'm out of patience today. Can you tell?
Bethalize
Peer Moderator
I'm out of patience today. Can you tell?
Bethalize
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: Jackie G on June 13, 2003, 05:09:48 pm
Me too, but I think it happens every so often. I was tetchy with a client this morning, then had to write a strongly worded email to one of his suppliers who isn't doing what he should and, although I find these easy enough to write at the best of times, on tetchy days, the words fly onto the page! LOL
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: Jackie G on June 13, 2003, 05:11:22 pm
Here's another - controversial - idea...
Does she spend any time on Deskdemon? Does she know about this wonderful site? Encourage her on.... and make sure she reads this! After all, if the cap fits (and it does)... she may just get the message!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Does she spend any time on Deskdemon? Does she know about this wonderful site? Encourage her on.... and make sure she reads this! After all, if the cap fits (and it does)... she may just get the message!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: juspeachy on June 13, 2003, 05:52:59 pm
I LOVE the "shameless plug!" JusPeachy
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: twhfan on June 13, 2003, 06:23:25 pm
I, too, love the "shameless plug", but I guess I'm just too selfish to share deskdemon with her. This is a very small company and I fear she could identify me from my posts. As for the "cap fitting", I honestly doubt that she'd see herself in that light. She has quite an exalted opinion of herself.
I mostly agree with having people help solve their own problems because when management gets involved, it becomes a big deal. It would make it more difficult to keep a friendly work relationship with this person since she is so hyper-sensitive. I don't see any easy way around this issue, but I really appreciate the advice you're giving me. It's giving me food for thought.
If you were going to broach the subject of talking too much with a sensitive co-worker, what kinds of words would you use? "Yo, baby! Stuff a sock in it!" probably won't produce the desired effect...
I mostly agree with having people help solve their own problems because when management gets involved, it becomes a big deal. It would make it more difficult to keep a friendly work relationship with this person since she is so hyper-sensitive. I don't see any easy way around this issue, but I really appreciate the advice you're giving me. It's giving me food for thought.
If you were going to broach the subject of talking too much with a sensitive co-worker, what kinds of words would you use? "Yo, baby! Stuff a sock in it!" probably won't produce the desired effect...
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: countrigal on June 13, 2003, 07:11:01 pm
I would approach this in such a way as to make her feel that you're not coming down on her but are needing her help in this situation. Take a break and ask to talk to her. I'd suggest going to a breakroom or conference room, maybe using the idea that it's a personal subject and you don't want anyone walking in hearing it. Then when you talk to her, tell her that your boss was concerned about the talking coming from your office and whether or not it was affecting your working. Make it seem like bossie thought it was a problem and that you were the cause. Let her know that bossie is expecting you to solve this problem. Then ask her if she'll help you with it. Tell her that as much as you love hearing all about {insert fav topics here} and that it helps the day speed by, that you regret to have to curtail these discussions to break-times away from the desk. Suggest that if you (yourself) can make this adjustment, and if she would assist by doing the same, that maybe bossie will see you as having solved the problem and not write you up.
Yup, it's a little white lie in some ways, but it has you asking for her help in solving the problem versus going out and telling her that she is the problem, thereby curtailing some of the dramatics that could otherwise unfold. And if this doesn't work, then you could always try the direct "hey, Bossie can hear and I don't want to get in trouble, so please shut up" approach and deal with the dramatics then.
Good luck!
CountriGal
Peer Moderator
Yup, it's a little white lie in some ways, but it has you asking for her help in solving the problem versus going out and telling her that she is the problem, thereby curtailing some of the dramatics that could otherwise unfold. And if this doesn't work, then you could always try the direct "hey, Bossie can hear and I don't want to get in trouble, so please shut up" approach and deal with the dramatics then.
Good luck!
CountriGal
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: Jackie G on June 13, 2003, 09:47:30 pm
I wondered whether you might be concerned about her identifying you from your posts in such a small company, so can understand why you haven't shared this wonderful resource with her!
Here's another one - but you may need your boss's help. Develop an ear infection which makes you temporarily deaf. If you start off with some cotton wool stuffed in your ears (just a wee piece, so it's not noticeable) hopefully she won't talk more loudly and leave you alone for a bit. If you manage to keep it going for long enough, maybe she'll get used to just getting on with work and not chatting all the time. Then you could get 'better'!
In a mad mood having had a tough day but hey, anything's worth a go!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Here's another one - but you may need your boss's help. Develop an ear infection which makes you temporarily deaf. If you start off with some cotton wool stuffed in your ears (just a wee piece, so it's not noticeable) hopefully she won't talk more loudly and leave you alone for a bit. If you manage to keep it going for long enough, maybe she'll get used to just getting on with work and not chatting all the time. Then you could get 'better'!
In a mad mood having had a tough day but hey, anything's worth a go!
Jackie
www.iqps.org
Peer Moderator
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: elkiedee on June 16, 2003, 10:46:02 am
I'd put it more simply - tell her the issue of the chatter coming from the office was raised at your appraisal and that they're concerned. But I would also contact your boss and say you have thought about how to do this - asking her to chatter less - and you are worried about her getting offended and the impact on your working relationship, that you think it would be better coming from her boss in her appraisal.
This happened in my office - at least two of us had something raised in an appraisal, and written documentation, that was nothing to do with us and he knew it. I was new at the time and he's not my normal line manager or I wouldn't have let him get away with it without some comment. It passed. Years ago.
Luci
This happened in my office - at least two of us had something raised in an appraisal, and written documentation, that was nothing to do with us and he knew it. I was new at the time and he's not my normal line manager or I wouldn't have let him get away with it without some comment. It passed. Years ago.
Luci
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: gordon on June 16, 2003, 12:54:03 pm
I too have a similar problem. I sit next too a lovely colleague in an open office, most of the time it's a-okay but occasionally she has a 'loud' day where she has to tell me everything she is doing even though its' nothing to do with me and to be honest I couldn't give a monkeys. But it gets worse, when it's a laughing day the whole office knows about it!
Anyway, my 'problem solving technique' is very simple. I'm fortunate enough to have CD drive and a sound card in my PC which many others don't. All I do is to slap in a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts CD, put on my headphones and everybody leaves me well alone!
Anyway, my 'problem solving technique' is very simple. I'm fortunate enough to have CD drive and a sound card in my PC which many others don't. All I do is to slap in a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts CD, put on my headphones and everybody leaves me well alone!
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: movinonup on June 17, 2003, 11:51:00 am
We have a lot of loud, chatty people in our office. One guy gets so annoyed, he brings in these huge headphones in order to block it all out so he can concentrate. Another listens to music all day. It's hard to get their attention, and I couldn't do that because of the phones, but it's an idea. If you can wear the headphones (even without sound), she'll see she can't talk to you--maybe you could say they are inspirational tapes, or just a way to help you focus. On the other hand...
I really don't see why your boss is putting the onus on you to take care of a coworker's misbehavior. That's totally wrong to me. But, if you're forced to handle it yourself, I wouldn't hesitate to have it out with her. It could be a way to show your leadership skills. Your boss has effectively given you permission to deal with it any way you can, and that would be the most effective way.
It may be uncomfortable for a little while, but she'll get over it.
Movinonup
I really don't see why your boss is putting the onus on you to take care of a coworker's misbehavior. That's totally wrong to me. But, if you're forced to handle it yourself, I wouldn't hesitate to have it out with her. It could be a way to show your leadership skills. Your boss has effectively given you permission to deal with it any way you can, and that would be the most effective way.
It may be uncomfortable for a little while, but she'll get over it.
Movinonup
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: JessW on June 17, 2003, 12:09:58 pm
I have found even with headphones on it doesn't help - people still keep talking at me. and I work in a noisy environment. I am however lucky in that I used to work directly for the guys in the next bay and so feel more comfortable asking them to keep the noise down.
I find that usually if something is explained in a polite manner everyone can get along ok. Of course if somebody wants to take offence then there is nothing you can do to make it easier.
I find that usually if something is explained in a polite manner everyone can get along ok. Of course if somebody wants to take offence then there is nothing you can do to make it easier.
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: suelynn on June 23, 2003, 05:13:59 pm
I was absolutely amazed when I read this today - I have almost exactly the same problem. I sit opposite a really lovely lady but she can talk for England and she doesn't shut up when I have headphones in doing audio. I have been racking my brains for some way to solve it - like your poster's colleague, she is a very emotional, tearful lady and I'm afraid if I say anything she will get really upset. All I can do is try to keep typing and hope the boss comes out and gives her another job or her phone rings so I can have some peace. Are these sort of people clones are or they more common than we think?
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: twhfan on June 24, 2003, 02:59:53 pm
I finally dealt with this. I got a lot a great advice from everyone here, thought it over and decided that the direct approach was best. I shut the door, asked her if she had a minute to talk (no, she got HOURS to talk!). Then I told her that my boss had mentioned during my performance appraisal that she was not pleased with all the chatter coming from our office.
Then, I said that I was concerned about possible disciplinary action if the excess chatter didn't cease. I asked her to help me by reminding me to stop talking if I was talking too much. This way, I put the blame on myself, (as though I was the big talker) and she didn't get too upset. At least there weren't any tears or theatrics.
We talk for just a couple of minutes when I get to the office. Then I make a nervous glance or 2 towards the door, and that does the trick.
Thanks again to everyone for all the great (and sometimes funny) advice!
Then, I said that I was concerned about possible disciplinary action if the excess chatter didn't cease. I asked her to help me by reminding me to stop talking if I was talking too much. This way, I put the blame on myself, (as though I was the big talker) and she didn't get too upset. At least there weren't any tears or theatrics.
We talk for just a couple of minutes when I get to the office. Then I make a nervous glance or 2 towards the door, and that does the trick.
Thanks again to everyone for all the great (and sometimes funny) advice!
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: robinbracy on January 04, 2006, 04:32:56 pm
Hi,
what do you mean use the 'shameless plug'. My coworker never, ever shuts up. I want to slap her. So what is the shameless plug
thanks,
Robin
what do you mean use the 'shameless plug'. My coworker never, ever shuts up. I want to slap her. So what is the shameless plug
thanks,
Robin
Title: Re: How to tell someone to, um, shut up
Post by: raindance on January 04, 2006, 04:42:44 pm
I think the "shameless plug" refers to suggesting that the talkative co-worker should log onto the Deskdemon website (and see what a great website it is).
I would probably get an Olympic Gold Medal for talking
, but I don't sit opposite anyone (except bossie in next room). So this thread is definitely not about me.
Raindance
I would probably get an Olympic Gold Medal for talking
, but I don't sit opposite anyone (except bossie in next room). So this thread is definitely not about me. Raindance