Print Page - Perception vs. Reality

I was recently pulled into my bosses office for a discussion on the perception others in the office have of me, my work, and my relationship with other admins in the company. He went into this "discussion" knowing most of the things he was sharing were not even close to the truth, but he is insisting we have to work with the perception, since "perception IS reality." (No telling anyone to get a reality check!) There are a few things I can change, and don't mind doing so, but overall I am just really frustrated.

Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? What did you do? Any good resources on the topic?

Thanks for your input!

LL

Sounds like they were negative comments - am I right? This can be very shocking especially if you are not aware of something you are doing that is being perceived in such a way that other colleagues have to complain about it.

I would say I have experienced a little of this but I would emphasise that at the time the company I was working for was undergoing change. My boss left and he was replaced internally by someone who didn't need me, never communicated to me or gave me any work to do. Needless to say I was not motivated and ended up hating the environment I found myself in.

Are you happy in your job? Do you like the company you are working for? How is your relationship with you boss and your colleagues? It is probably for the best that the issues in question have been addressed, but now you must take stock and step back from the situation to access how you can move forward.

G

I had a taste of this about 15 or so years ago, when I was working as a secretary alongside a much older woman. If one of the chaps we were working for (we worked for a number of architects) came up and asked a question, I would just go ahead and answer it straight away. I *may* have answered the question once or twice (!) when it wasn't directly addressed to me and she didn't like it. In hindsight, I think she saw this as a threat from a much younger woman. Her attitude to me went rapidly downhill and I had no clue what was causing it so eventually asked her straight out if I'd offended her, and that's when she told me. I addressed the problem immediately and "spoke only when spoken to" - biting my tongue several times.

It got so bad, even after that, that I took it up with the Head Secretary. Her response was that X had been here that much longer than me that if the problem wasn't resolved (even though I thought then that it had been) I would be the one that had to leave.

It was very uncomfortable for a while.

It's a very hard situation that you're finding yourself in, you have my sympathies. It's never nice to be criticised, however nicely or "constructive" the "discussion" is. I can't point you in any direction but I'm sure that other DDers will be able to.

Gee's questions were on the nail, though - do you like your job? Are you happy there?

Stay positive and let us know how you get on.

I think your boss was being quite kind to you. He seems to have received a few "complaints" from people about you, and has decided to have an informal chat with you rather than a full-blown disciplinary meeting.

The image we portray to others, particularly at work, is very important. That image is expressed through our punctuality, our demeanour, speech, dress, the way we speak on the phone, the way we make demands on our colleagues' time and expertise, the respectful and courteous way we treat others. It all goes towards being professional. It isn't about being "nice" to people - sometimes one can be too "nice". Other people generally want to have people around them who are capable and competent, pleasant, fun, have integrity and are straightforward.

You might wish to look at books by Judi James (search for her books on Amazon). She is a very good writer on work-related issues.

I once had an unfortunate experience, similar to yours, when I was first starting out in my professional career. My boss at the time asked me, very gently, whether I enjoyed my job. I remember being quite affronted, but afterwards reflected on the conversation we had had, and decided that I wanted to move on. Looking back, I realize that I was in COMPLETELY the wrong job, and that my boss had done me a very great service. I have never looked back, so to speak. Although there have been some ups and downs since then, my career has prospered.

So, I would advise you to:

Reflect carefully on what your boss has said to you
See what areas you can improve immediately and what you can improve in the longer term
Ask yourself whether you want to stay in this job and why, or whether there is something else you would rather do
Make sure you have a good work/life balance, and plenty of hobbies and outside-of-work interests
Maybe take some courses at your local college to add to your professional knowledge or develop an interest

and last, but not least, be nice to yourself.

Best wishes,

Raindance

gemini, I am working with someone who does that very thing and I find it exceedingly annoying. It is not a question of age, she is about 5 years older than I. If someone asks a question to either of the other 2 secretaries in the office, this one runs right over us with her response. And sometimes her answer isn't even right! I have had to grit my teeth numerous times to keep from shouting - shut up - he's not talking to you!!!!!!

Our supervisor recently mentioned to me that this secretary is aware that she does this. Now, let's see whether or not she changes!

The problem with that type of behavior is that makes the person who has been shoved aside feel insignificant. It's as if the person is saying "look at me, talk to me, I'm the only one who knows anything".

More than likely, she doesn't mean that, any more than you did. But that is certainly how it makes me feel, so I can understand where your colleague was coming from. And I guess if you add in the age factor in your case, she probably really resented you.

Well I'm glad you got out of that uncomfortable situation. Now, let's hope my colleague does something about it before I smash her in the mouth

Well we've been going through some personality sessions here at our office company wide and those folks are the Achievers. They feel that they are the only ones that know what to do and always have the answer, whether it is correct or not, and believe me there is always one of those in every office. We're fortunate enough to only have a few of those strictly in that category and a few like me who are the mediators more than not. So, it's a good mix, but when you have an extreme in the building it's definetly noticed, however, it should not be accepted when they over step their bounds. We've had that happen numerous times, but you do have to call them on it and explain the situation, otherwise no one will think the wiser.

Just my .02 cents on this issue. Very interesting reading.

Diamondlady
Peer Moderator

I'm going to disagree with raindance just this once. My old bossie did this to me--and had a member of HR present as a surprise. He tore apart every aspect of every interaction I had with co-workers, including those with whom I had friendly/informal relationships outside the office. He had obviously misunderstood a lot of what he'd heard, but I was not going to try to correct him under the circumstances, as there were two of them and only one of me. He had a huge stack of notes he'd taken on my "behavior."

What I realized was that this was NOT the job for me, that he was just too incredibly two-faced for me to continue doing my best work for him. I was not able to leave at the time; I had to stay and it was AWFUL. To survive there, I attempted to be as droid-like as possible. I made sure never to frown, never to discuss ANYTHING that wasn't specifically related to work, and to give a huge, toothy grin with everything I said to any person.

He was unable to find fault with this except he remarked several times, "You seem withdrawn," to which I didn't respond at all. How should a person SEEM when she knows every move she makes is watched and recorded? I do mean everything--he had notes on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Eventually, work and home life situations changed just enough that I could move to this new job. Here I am the same person I was before ex-bossie's meeting, except that I do smile more--genuinely, because people here truly appreciate my work. I am the same professional person I was before, it's just that here, that's welcomed and encouraged.

My advice is: look at the situation; is this really where you want to stay?

Warning: This is a sore point with me.

"He went into this 'discussion' knowing most of the things he was sharing were not even close to the truth..." Shame on him, then. What is this, 7th grade? Why not just pass around a slam book?

"...but he is insisting we have to work with the perception, since 'perception IS reality.'" A lame excuse for your boss not setting the record straight when it was brought up, if you ask me.

I've worked in finance and IT. Two areas where the "perception is reality" mindset has been responsible for more unqualified people being put in positions they have no business being in, and equally responsible for good, smart, hardworking folks who know their stuff getting railroaded when "reality" didn't match up with someone's preconceived "perception." I've seen it happen -- too many times.

Rant over. From a practical standpoint, I think you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Not knowing the specifics of your job, I can't be more specific than that. Maybe it's saving any and all emails and voicemails, maybe it's getting your supervisor's sign-off on everything, whatever. But the fact is, this may blow over, especially if the "perception" can be concretely refuted with "fact" My guess is that there's probably very little fact in any of these complaints.

Thanks for all the replies.

To answer the obvious questions: I love my job. I love the company I work for. I have been here just over 2 years and was recently promoted to a higher level - same job, more money. Benefits are second to none. And for the most part, I have a really good boss. There are several occassions in my present position and in past positions that I could have changed jobs and I did a lot of soul searching to make sure this is where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. Job satisfaction is not the issue.

My frustration is in the fact that: 1) He couldn't give me anything concrete to go on, nor did he have any suggestions for changes that should be made; and 2) Why am I responsible for changing my behavior to meet other's perceptions when their perception is just plain wrong? Why can't I tell someone it really isn't raining outside when they insist that it is?

It is one thing to present issues and let people know about problems. It is quite another thing to humor other employee's grumblings and complaints by passing them along instead of setting the record straight then and there. He did not suggest to the complainers that they needed to come to me if they had a problem with me or my work, nor did he stick up for me and my work, which is consistently above reproach.

I am all for solving problems and moving forward, and I am happy to take responsibility for my mistakes, and do on a daily basis. I have been an Admin for a long time. I know I have to adjust my work style to fit those that I support. But this issue seems to go beyond that.

Lessons Learned: I cannot "vent" to anyone within the company. Everything goes back to my boss and the other Admin in our dept., who promptly whines and complains to everyone else in the dept.

I like the idea of documenting everything. That, along with not talking to anyone in the department about anything other than business, and even then keeping it incredibly professional, will be two new practices.

Any other thoughts on dealing with perceptions vs. reality are welcome. It is always good to get input from those who have "been there and done that."

LL

LL, another thing I did when I started this new position was to decorate everything in my cube in pink. Pink pencil cup, pink picture frames, pink post-its, pink bowl for paper clips, pink coffee cup. I like pink but I don't really LIVE pink like this at home...but I bought two pink sweaters and a pink shirt too. I read somewhere that the color pink makes people view the pink thing (or the thing/person surrounded by pinkness) as soft and approachable. I wanted to be sure they thought I was approachable and warm. Of course, all my pink things are professional, not cute.

It worked. A friend from my old department visited me after I'd been here a while and commented, "You know, you've really changed!" I hadn't changed an iota, I'm serious. It was just the pink decor--it made me LOOK different.

Yes I've dealt with this issue. I think it has a lot to do with people who can't deal with different personalities and workstyles and do not want to try. For example, in a previous position I was told that I come across as "not caring" about mistakes I made and about doing my job well, or not being assertive enough about getting needed information from people. That couldn't have been farther from the truth, and my supervisor new it, but that was the "perception" one or more of the bosses had. I don't know what more I could have done--I mean, I apologized for any mistakes and did my best, so did they want me to get really upset or something? Did they want me to hound people every 10 minutes to get information I needed? I don't know. That company just seemed to be more into appearances than the people behind them. I guess that's a sore point for me, as well.

All I have to say is do the best you can, and while of course you want to work on having a positive, pleasant, professional demeanor, there is only so much you can do. Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

Heh heh, that's funny; it reminds me of a discussion we had in our office the other day--while pink might work well for women, guys tend to have a different take. We have two shipper printers in our office, one stocked with white paper and one with pink. When the white one ran out, we discussed printing on teh pink, and were told that most of the drivers refuse to go out with pink paperwork! I wondered aloud, if money were printed on pink paper, would they refuse to use that too?

First of all, I must say I feel so fortunate to be able to keep the pink copy of our requisition forms in my binder, and send the green copy to our purchasing department for payment. = ) Seriously, though, I really do feel better when I wear my pink sweater...responses from people seem to be more positive.

As to the perception problems, I've run into this in my current job. When I first started, I kept trying to get things done by going directly to the people who were responsible. They were holding up my part of the work because they weren't doing theirs. I got into big trouble with this, as they perceived that I was undermining their authority. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I wasn't trying to take over their jobs or their "power".... I just wanted them to do their assigned tasks.

My boss actually agreed with me about it, and said he runs into the same problem himself. So, he couldn't help me. After a while I realized that all I could do was wait for the others to get their jobs done so I could, in turn, do mine. I no longer push people to move things along, I just stew in frustration.

The specific problem I was running into--and still do--is that new employees were not being processed efficiently, so that when they arrived they were not furnished with the necessary items to do their work. This infuriates me and the other admins to this day...it seems so "unwelcoming" to the new person.

Movinonup

Sometimes it is just nice to know you are not the only person with the issue.

"Taking on too much authority" is definately an issue in my office. Anything I send out from the boss has to be prefaced with, "I was asked me to send this out..." or else people will think I am taking it on myself to send information out without checking with anyone first. Good grief. You would think they would have enough to do without worrying about whether or not I am trying to take over the company.

I have started rewarding people for getting reports in on time, or being the first manager in with their information. People are incredibly competitive. If they know that there is a prize for doing something they have to do anyway, it just makes it a little bit more fun. Most of the time the "reward" is a gold star sent via e-mail - but it is just enough recognition that 1) others feel a sense of guilt for not getting their stuff in on time, and 2) managers HATE the idea of another manager beating them to the punch.

I also started giving them an "absolute drop-dead" deadline that is at least 2 days before my real deadline. They always push it, but it eliviates a ton of stress on my part. When they call and say, "I need an extra day!" I am free to answer, in my most pleasant, helpful voice, "Of course! Not a problem this month. Can you have it to me by end of business tomorrow?" They think I am doing them a big favor and I still meet my deadline.

LL

After reading some of the posts, my question is:

A) If your work or attitude is not ok, why did they promote you? Seems strange to me that they promote a person whose performance is not ok.

B) Could this be the work of a jealous co-worker? Someone who is not happy with your promotion?

C) It can get lonely on top. People you work with are not necessarily your friends, although they can pretend to be.

Hope this bad time goes away soon.

S

Edited by smssilva on 14/10/05 03:28 PM.

I was going through this until recently and know how frustrating it is. Two of my mentors gave me 2 pieces of advice that changed everything for me:
1) Don't worry about being something I'm not, just be the best "me" I can be.
I was so worried about trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be that I was constantly anxious, uptight and generally unhappy. I just relaxed, did best what I do best and my blood pressure has dropped greatly (plus, I have a happier demeanor in the office).

2) Let my actions speak louder than their words.
The comment about not venting to people in the office is absolutely true, this always seems to backfire. Whatever they are saying about you, whether it be perception or reality, let your actions speaker louder than their words and soon they will look like the fools for saying it.

On the pink thing - that's absolutely true! I have pink everything (sunglasses, cell phone case, etc.) and get a ton of comments on it.

Good luck to you, I hope it gets better soon

I like the points you make, Sandra, particularly "C".

The reality of the working environment is that it is a somewhat artificial set-up. Many of us who post on this message board are privy to all sorts of confidential matters, great and small, and some work at a very high level. If you are "the Boss's assistant" then you have to be very careful about the alliances and friendships you make at work. I would advise anyone working in an office to be friendly with everyone, but familiar with no-one. On the face of it, that advice might seem to kill off friendships, but not necessarily. It can be "lonely at the top", but that's the price you pay for being there.

From my own experience, I can confirm that it is a mistake to "vent" to colleagues. People do get jealous - usually for the most stupid of reasons - and you can't prevent such a thing happening.

I would only discuss difficulties at work with my boss, people outside work, or, if I need another admin professional's perspective, in here where very few people actually know me.

LL, you can always chew things over with people in here - it's very supportive, as you have discovered, and there isn't much you can "throw" at the board that someone hasn't experienced before.

Best wishes,

Raindance

Never thought of the pink thing, but knew that wearing navy and red was not the way to put people at ease -- and these are 2 of my favorite colors and I looked washed out and icky in pink.

In the past, I had a meeting with a co-worker (not supervisor) who told me that I came across b*tchy and all-knowing, and I reviewed my actions in my past 3 positions and determined what may have caused that impression. I do work hard to learn all I can about my position as soon as I can (upon entering a new position) and then am constantly trying to expand my knowledge. This means that I do tend to end up the resident expert in things that relate to my job, and therefore am a know-it-all in those issues. Because I don't suffer fools lightly, and can't put up with a lot of hemming and hawing, I was seen by co-workers as b*tchy. All my supervisors saw me for what I was, a go-getter and someone who got things done and done right, so I've been promoted quickly even with this stigma. But what I've done to counter it is simply to tell folks that I'm an outspoken type of person and that if at any time they have an issue with what I say or do, to please tell me so that I can address it and change appropriately. This has put my co-workers at ease in my last 2 positions and stopped them from thinking of me as b*tchy and all-knowing. Now they see me as a good resource for them to use (from the all-knowing) and simply ignore me or laugh at me if I get too outspoken in certain arenas, and address it with me. I've only really had to change my actions a couple of times in 2+ years of doing this, so something I do must be right, even when I'm seen as b*tchy.

By grabbing the bull by the horn and letting them know that this has been other's impressions of me at previous positions, they feel less threatened and more willing to say anything and I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells with them.

In your situation, I would probably corner bossie once more and tell him/her that you need more specifics if you are to change anything -- and that you want to change. Document this conversation, so you have something in your posession in case this does come back in a performance report later on.

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

hmmm... I'm coming down on your boss's side I'm afraid. It's his job to make sure there's a harmonious office atmosphere to encourage good work, and it sounds like he's had several people complaining to him about their perception of your behaviour.

What I will say in your defence is that you probably aren't aware of what it is that you do that winds them up, they could well be dull, vindictive moaners. If it wasn't you, they would be complaining about something else.

Unfortunately as they're in the majority he's coming down hard on you. I'd seriously not take it personally, try & modify whatever it is they're mostly whinging about, and then try and focus your energies on something outside of work.

Question whether this actually is the environment you want to be subjecting yourself to everyday, (new job time?) and meanwhile see if there's something that could be done to introduce a "buffer-zone" between you and the problem-makers (different office arrangements? New project / team?).

I'd agree with your boss - perception is reality, as far as non-empathetic people go.

Unless I'm missing something, I don't think it is clear whether the manager did agree with the complaints he received i.e. that he heard them and said "dear me how dreadful", or whether he listened in silence and then took up these points with his co-worker. He may, or may not, have acted appropriately, but I know I wouldn't be too pleased if my Assistant (and I do have one) "vented" to her colleagues about me.

I think people in here are fairly evenly divided over this. I've have been on both sides of the fence with a matter similar to the one being reported here, and neither place is particularly comfortable. People are people, and everyone makes mistakes, including being indiscreet. It's painful to have that drawn to one's attention, but it's all part of learning to be professional.

Raindance

Update -

In the past few weeks I have worked to change a few things. First, I am slowly but surely making everything in my cube pink. No comments yet from anyone, but I figure it can't hurt.

Second, I am accepting the idea that I have to work within the perception of other people. I don't have to agree with their perception, but I have to work with them. As a part of that, however, I have adopted the "never make assumptions about anyone or anything" philosophy. I ask a lot more questions than I ever used to, and I ask them of anyone and everyone. Sometimes I feel like it makes me look like I am not capable of making decisions, but if I get a reply that is even remotely condescending I follow it up with a "Thank you, that is what I thought, but it is never a good idea to make assumptions." It seems to be working.

And third, I am not venting or even making anything that could be construed as a negative comment to anyone in the builiding. It wasn't like I was always complaining before - I am not one to be in the gossip circles or whine about every little thing. But now I make sure every day a good day and there isn't anything to be negative about.

The other principle I am trying very hard to put into practice is to not take anything personnally. For someone who puts their heart and soul into their job, this is difficult! But I have to remove the emotions from the feedback. I have to learn to accept feedback for what it is - it is just an opinion. And if it is valid, then I know where I can improve. And if it is not, then I know it's not and life goes on.

It has been much more peaceful in my little corner of the office. Nothing negative from my boss in several weeks. I have a meeting with him this next week and will request feedback as part of the meeting.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to write in on this. It has been a great learning experience. I am much happier because of the things I have learned.

LL

I find the "pink" perception interesting in a way. I honestly have the opposite reaction. I would see an excess amount of pink (or any other pastel) in an office setting as immature. That's not saying that any of you are. I, personally, have never been one for the cutesy stuff in any of my surroundings. I like rich or neutral colors and those are the ones I find calming. Pastels and/or overly bright colors remind me of children. The other admin here in our office brought in a lot of cute knick knacks and seeing them drove me batty. I don't like clutter and that's how it came off to me. Now that I'm in my own office and I can't see her stuff, it doesn't bother me.

When our parts runner started, she put a lot of pastel stuff around here desk over there (and she is young - 19 when she started here a few years ago), but at her desk its funny because its in the shop. None of her posts it, pens or other gets touched because none of those guys want to be seen writing with a lavender fuzzy pen on a baby pink note pad. 8)

There is really no way to determine how others are going to perceive you until you've been around them a while.

Michelle

I LOVE pink as a colour, also purple, the stronger and brighter the better.

Knick knacks etc etc on my work desk and surrounding area - NO WAY I have enough trouble finding space for the papers etc and things I need to do the work without having 'rubbish' (sorry to those of you, including my friends who I know have stuff like this) on my desk.

Perception v reality - quite frankly you are you. You can't change what and who you are, although of course things can be toned down. Don't become a different person just because some eejits can't do their own work properly.

Jackie, Peer Moderator
www.iqps.org

Quite a number of people like to decorate their workspace, if only to make it more friendly and stake out their own territory. My office would be very spartan if I didn't have a nice selection of plants. However, the only time I really decorate my room is in the run up to Christmas with a few seasonal ornaments - tasteful, mind you

, on the windowsill. One of my colleagues is much more adventurous. The last time I looked I counted three small jewelled elephants, two frogs, a perspex pyramid with little coins in it, a jade dolphin etc etc!

Raindance

PA and Secretary Community - Deskdemon.com

General Discussion => Admins 4 Admins => Topic started by: npsadmin on October 13, 2005, 12:31:23 am