I saw an article today (not sure if I'm allowed to post?) entitled: How to Win Over Your Enemies

The theory behind the article is that you ask an enemy to do you a small favor, then treat your relationship as though you had a positive relationship and then you won't be enemies any longer. The article refers to this as "The Ben Franklin Effect", from his autobiography where he wrote "Enemies who do you one favor will want to do more."

I haven't tried this, but I do have a personal theory on the subject (based on a recent experience where it worked!). Basically, I mirror the person's actions. When Shelley (name for illustrative purposes only) does something negative, I respond with a negative reaction. But when Shelley does something positive, I respond with a positive reaction. Shelley, hopefully, eventually learns that positive interactions yield more positive interactions so it's truly in her best interest to be nice.

I'm in the middle of working this theory again with someone right now so the article had particular relevance to me. Thoughts from others on how you handle these situations?

I have to say there may be some truth in this.

In a previous job I worked with a colleague who turned weird on me. I began to treat her as she treated me and on reflection the scenario you describe really happened. In the end she came round to my way of thinking as she was only cutting off her own nose to spite herself. By making enemies she made her own working life miserable so by trying to be nice or do favours, she stayed in the good books.

I'm waiting for my chance. I have a co-worker who decided from the moment she arrived (after me) that I was far beneath her. But I'm a much older lady and willing to just let things ride until they change, as inevitably they must.

I have worked with several individuals and have come to conclusion that I have been disliked because my skills were slightly better than theirs.

I also have to add that when a co-worker or someone senior cannot manage a task for example on any discipline of the MS suite, then it becomes beneath them ask for help. When they finally do give in and ask, it pains them because they didn't know how to do it themselves.

In my conversation with my agency consultant on Friday, she has indicated that my level of skills may come across as intimidating in this new role, which I feel is nonsense. We are all hired to do our job because of our skills and my opinion is that I can try and assist anyone where I can. Some people are of the opinion that knowledge is power and therefore can't or won't share.

Amazing how easily others feel threatened. However beware of those who allow you to help them but take the praise and pass this up as their own work.

Gee, as ever you're spot on. In a past position I found myself resented because of my skills - even though they got me hired. The managers themselves had no problems with me but co-workers did and I really suffered with bitchiness and being excluded.

It really got to me until one day one of the other women in the office (and yes, the dear ones who upset me were female) who said that the reason they were so awful was the resentment of my skills (I hadn't figured that much out at the time) - they'd both started as casual temps on an ad hoc basis and happened to get on really well with the then MD, and she thought they'd be good as X or Y positions (they weren't but that's another story!). I have to confess I never won them around and left the company after about 14 months - and not a day too soon in my opinion. So, they won, but I ended up in a much better position (esp. as the company folded about 8 months later).

btw, the woman who put me straight on that has become a great friend although we've both long left that company, to the extent that I'm now godmother to her daughter so I can't've been that bad!!

Gem, that turned out to be a lovely story.

It's sad though that any new employee can be seen as threatening instead of a power of knowledge. I have never set out to take anyone's job so I am no threat. Hopefully as people get to know me they will see that and learn that I am employed to do a job because of my skills.

It's incredible to know that at my age, I am still learning what makes people tick in the workplace.

People do resent your skills or knowledge when they feel threatened by you. The reaction is to alienate and for some reason be hurtful. I went through it with yes, younger folks being hired into a department I had been in for many years. It's a very uncomfortable situation and just about made me sick, until I realized I controlled the situation. I chose the road to not sink to their level but to move on and it was to my benefit. They have long since left the company. However, I have excelled in my career now in a field I enjoy.

Gee – yes, it is a lovely story – we all like a happy ending!!! (Other than the fact that she knows I don’t like children and took unseemly pleasure not too long ago seeing me making PlayDough fairies with my goddaughter – I so do not do children!!!)

As for age being a factor in knowing what makes people tick in the workplace or wherever – Hah! Never figured you for naive! People are odd no matter where you encounter them and yes, I will even own up to my own brand of oddness from time to time

Regarding the “coven” (the three bi – oops witches ) that made my life miserable, I would go out of my way to be inclusive, pleasant and helpful – often showing them shortcuts or different ways of doing things to make their lives easier – and not in a “look how clever I am” way and whilst they were pleased and happy with that, I was never included. What hurt particularly is that one of them was even newer than I was, but still let in to their Charmed Circle. But she was also younger than all of us and I put it down to just wanting to be part of the club rather than on the outside as I clearly was. Oh well!

Peaches – yeah, I think they were threatened. Doesn’t it make you angry – it does me – that these people have the power to make you feel sick and uncomfortable until, if you’re lucky, you can overcome it whether by leaving or somehow ignoring it. Now, I know that I could’ve out-btched the lot of them (youngest of six, you see, had to find a voice or get lost in the maelstrom!!) but chose not to sink down to them and I felt the better for it.

And good for you that you moved on in the right direction – good for both of us!

I find that an interesting philosophy. I wonder if you might inadvertently be conveying a sense of superiority with regard to your skills.

I have outstanding technical skills and it brings me respect, not jealousy. People appreciate that I freely share my knowledge with them and am available with whatever they need help with. I have never gotten any mistreatment as a result of having higher level skills than my peers or employers.

Marie

Then you are lucky Marie whilst some of us have had difficulties.

I too freely share knowledge when and where I can but for some reason over the years, it has not been received in the same manner.